Fumblings - Chapter 4

Fumblings - Chapter 4

Oxford Glaws 13 Jan 2018 09:14 am said..

It was not long after dusk had fallen. Vickery had already shuttered the ground floor windows against the hammering rain. He had just climbed out onto roof of the main to lower the flag, the ancient standard bearing the sacred family crest of a golden bear hanging from a tree, when he heard an urgent banging from beneath the portico below. Vickery leant between the battlements to look for the source of the commotion and saw below a huddled figure in a light tweed jacket, his collar turned up in a vain attempt to stave off the elements.

“Can I help you?” cried Vickery, his voice just about audible above the howling wind.

The forlorn figure looked upwards “Can I come in please? I’ve been walking for miles in this. I’m wet through!”

“Yes I can see your predicament.” Vickery looked down by his feet and picked up a loose slate and threw it down with some energy. “Now bugger off! This isn’t the bloody National Trust!”

The figure moved just in time and the slate bounced down the limestone steps, smashing into tiny pieces on the drive.

“Please!” The young man fished inside his pocket and waved something up at the tower. “I’m here to see Baz. This is his card!”

Vickery dropped the second piece of slate he had been aiming at the young man’s skull. “You wait there, don’t move!”

Five minutes later and Vickery was hauling back the giant bolts on the main door. The bedraggled figure stood, dripping on the doorsteps covered up to his waist in mud. He stepped into the hallway shivering uncontrollably. Vickery glared at him. “This had better be good.”

At that moment, Baz stepped out of the Blue Drawing Room arm-in-arm with the lovely Stephanie, youngest daughter of Sir Trevor and Lady Woodman. Stephanie was keen to launch a career in interior design and Baz had asked her to take a closer look at the master bedroom. Baz stared, horrified, at the sodden creature and the muddy footprints crossing the original Bartolami tiles.

“Good heavens Vickery! What on Earth do you think you are doing….?”

Stephanie gripped Baz’s arm, and turned towards the wretched figure, tears welling in the corners of her eyes. “Oh you poor man. You must be terribly cold.”

Without pausing Baz continued “….what on Earth do you think you are doing Vickery, not taking this young gentlemen upstairs, running him a hot bath and finding him some warm clothes?”
1Thes.5 [14] Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feeble-minded, support the weak, be patient toward all men.
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Re: Fumblings - Chapter 4

Oxford Glaws 13 Jan 2018 09:15 am said..

An hour later and Baz was seated at one end of the fifty foot long mahogany Albanese dining table - in black-tie, as was his custom. Stephanie, looked ravishing - her hair up, slender and graceful in an original long backless silk gown by Protheroe. She was fingering her long dangling Strokosch earrings that her great-grandmother had purchased in St Petersburg just before the revolution. The young man was seated to Baz’s right. He was something of a contrast in a bright pink Gloucester European shirt with the Mitsubishi logo in the middle of his chest and a pair of original Ian Poulter union jack golfing trousers (with matching socks).

Next to Baz, sitting attentively as his master patted his head was the largest dog that OG had ever seen. Baz flipped a large chunk of Kobe beef into its jaws and the dog slavered appreciatively. “This is Hamilton. He’s a Scottish deerhound. He may look fierce, but he’s a great big softie really.” Hamilton snarled. “If he runs too fast he falls over his own feet.”

Vickery brought in a large tureen of steaming Collazo, a speciality of the cook, Mrs Kalamafoni. It was a traditional recipe from her native village in Northern Tadulala. Baz smiled indulgently at Sophie and turned to the visitor. “So what’s your name and how can we help you?”

The young man, who had just filled his mouth with an enormous spoonful of Collazo, swallowed hard. “My name is Obadiah Georgiopolous – but my friends call me OG. And I’m in a spot of bother, I’m afraid. I’ve lost my job – a job that meant the world to me and now I have nothing.”

Baz nodded at him to continue. “Well, you see I was second under-librarian at Lady Gaga Hall in Oxford. It had everything I had ever looked for in a job. I was so happy. Anyway, one day I was retrieving some old service cards from the chapel for the college archive and somehow the door got locked shut behind me. It was four hours until evensong and I you know, I had to….I just had to…”

“Call of nature?” ventured Baz.

“Exactly. There was nowhere to go except….?”


“Except the communion chalice. And the lighting is very poor and so no one seemed to notice when they added the wine. Everything would have been fine, except it seemed to have curdled where it had been left next to the radiator and anyway, to cut a long story short, half the senior common room ended up in the gastro-intestinal unit at the John Radcliffe. Three of the more elderly emeritus fellows are still in there.”
1Thes.5 [14] Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feeble-minded, support the weak, be patient toward all men.
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Re: Fumblings - Chapter 4

Oxford Glaws 13 Jan 2018 09:16 am said..

Baz shook his head. “And you owned up to this.”

“I did”

“Well,” said Baz, “That was very…”

Before he could finish Stephanie interrupted him. “That was very truthful of you.”

Baz coughed. “Yes I was going to say ‘…very honest of you.’ But I don’t see how I can be of any help to you?”

“Well now you can see, I have no job, no money and all I have are my clothes upstairs and your business card. Otherwise, I am completely and utterly destitute.”

Baz looked at him suspiciously, “And how did you come by my card?”

“It was given to me by my old tutor, Professor Thinus Delport. He told me that you had been helpful to him a long time ago in finding the Hitler Diaries and getting them published in The Sunday Times.”

Baz coughed and reddened. “Well Thinus really shouldn’t…”

The young scholar was not going to be interrupted, “… and he thought I might be just the person to write your memoirs.”

Baz sat back in his chair, speechless for a moment. It was Stephanie who spoke. “Oh Baz, this is such a sweet idea. You’ve done so many wonderful, wonderful things in your life. I could see them queuing up to buy it in the Post Office. Please say you’ll do it.”

Baz thought for a moment. “How much were they paying you at Lady Gaga’s?”

OG looked at the floor, embarrassed to be talking about money. “£11,500 a year, plus a free parking space for my bike.”

Baz thought for a moment. “Well how does £11,600 sound to you? You can park your bike behind the apple shed and we’ll open up the dairy, throw out all that old recording equipment and set you up a camp-bed in there. You can take your meals in the kitchen with Mrs Galarza.”

OG stammered. “I…I… hardly know what to say.”

Stephanie jumped from her chair and threw her arms around Baz. “Oh Baz you lovely, lovely man!” And she kissed him full on the lips, leaving behind a smear of deep red Pierre Capdevielle lipstick.
Last edited by Oxford Glaws on 13 Jan 2018 10:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
1Thes.5 [14] Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feeble-minded, support the weak, be patient toward all men.
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Re: Fumblings - Chapter 4

Oxford Glaws 13 Jan 2018 09:17 am said..

Baz slapped the young man on his arm enthusiastically. “And you’re going to need some togs. Go to the Post Office and get yourself kitted out at the golf clothing section. Help yourself to anything you like – provided it’s from the remainder rail.”

“You’ll be expected to help out with some minor household chores – polishing the Bazette’s practice poles and checking them for burrs, modelling occasionally at Post Office fashion nights and taking Hamilton out for his pre-breakfast walk.”

OG nodded. “I’m sure that won’t be a problem.”

Baz held his hand up to silence him. “The route he likes to take is out through Redpath’s Wood and over the fields. It’s at least four miles…”

“No problem. I’ll do it.”

“…out and five miles back. He gets very upset if he doesn’t catch at least five rabbits. Mrs Galarza will be happy to prepare the remains for your lunch.”

Stephanie gave Hamilton a big hug and Hamilton licked her face appreciatively. “I just need to go and powder my nose. I’ll leave you boys to get to know each other better.”

As she sashayed out of the room and the door closed behind her. Baz gripped OG’s pale, thin librarian’s arm until it started to hurt. A fierce glint came into Baz’s eyes and there was real menace behind his voice. “Now here are three things you need to understand my boy. When you are writing this book, you will NEVER, EVER speak of my first wife. Secondly, you will make NO MENTION of the agreement that I made with St Quentin when I lent him the money to buy the club that the Mira stand will never, ever pulled down as long as I am alive.”

OG was sweating now. He blinked quickly, gulped and nodded “And the third thing?”

And the third thing is if you should find any old audio tapes in the dairy, you take them to Eustace and get him to throw them in the incinerator. IMMEDIATELY!”

OG found that he had lost the power of speech – so he just nodded. Baz relaxed back into his chair and smiled. “Now where is Vickery with that port?” He pressed a small button under the table and waited for Vickery to return.

OG gave Hamilton a weak smile. Hamilton made a horrible choking noise, then promptly regurgitated a small piece of beef-fat onto OG’s two-tone blue and yellow Goretex Footjoys.
1Thes.5 [14] Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feeble-minded, support the weak, be patient toward all men.
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Re: Fumblings - Chapter 4

Maxshedhead 13 Jan 2018 11:38 am said..

Hamilton.....“If he runs too fast he falls over his own feet.”

Brilliant, please keep it going
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Re: Fumblings - Chapter 4

Geoffy 13 Jan 2018 13:56 pm said..

Hah! I always suspected that Oxford Glaws isn't your real name.

You may have given me an idea..............
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Re: Fumblings - Chapter 4

foresterinyorks 13 Jan 2018 16:22 pm said..

This improves with each instalment
Never Stay Down.
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