Fumblings Season 2, Episode 2

Fumblings Season 2, Episode 2

Oxford Glaws 29 Nov 2018 14:05 pm said..

It was late November and the rolling fields and paddocks of North Cotswoldshire were cast in dismal shadows of grey and brown. A cold persistent drizzle was transformed by a strong north-easterly blast into a relentless driving spray that penetrated the seams OG’s high-vis jacket, the one he had scavenged from the abandoned building site by the swimming pool. The Burns brothers had not been seen at Fumblings since Freddie had accidentally collided with a pirouetting Maxime Médard (Camilla’s French cousin on her mother’s side) who had been visiting from Toulouse for the duration of the Matson Contemporary Dance and Cider Festival. Freddie had been carrying a large sledge-hammer which had spun out of his hand and directly into the swimming pool, which over the next few hours had emptied into the nearby meandering Thorley Brook, leading to numerous complaints at Soho House the following evening by that the “locally-sourced” river trout bore a distinct flavour of chlorine.

It was Vickery who had found Freddie and Billy at the bottom of the empty pool with a pallet of Polyfilla and a five litre tin of blue bathroom emulsion in a vain and typically inept attempt to cover their mishap. Since their firm had been placed into liquidation, there had only been a few fleeting reports of the whereabouts of the two gaffe-prone brothers. Freddie had been spotted juggling for pennies on Pulteney Bridge and Billy was said to be teaching tantric yoga to Arlene Foster and her DUP colleagues at their Buddhist retreat in a quiet suburb of East Antrim.
Last edited by Oxford Glaws on 29 Nov 2018 14:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Fumblings Season 2, Episode 2

Oxford Glaws 29 Nov 2018 14:07 pm said..

OG pulled up the hood on the nylon jacket as Hamilton bounded off into the undergrowth in pursuit of a terrified squirrel, leaving his custodian to reflect on how awfully drear Fumblings had seemed of late. This dolorous feeling was due, in no small part, to the fact that it had been two months now since anyone had seen or heard of Baz. He appeared to have disappeared entirely without trace. Smirkey had tried working his old contacts at MI6 and the Foreign Office, but they had all shrugged their shoulders and hurried back to their business. The old spymaster had even approached the Foreign Secretary, Jeremy “C.” Hunt at his club, but the slippery figure had quickly disappeared into the card room, and pretended to be engaged in a hand of rummy with his old friend (and fellow aesthete) John McDonnell. Reporting back the scantest of news, Smirkey had given OG a comforting pat on the shoulder. “He always shows up in the end you know. Try not to worry about him.”

But OG did worry. What would become of him without his patron? Since the episode with the “poisoned chalice” in the college chapel, Oxford was closed world to him – and would have been even without the injunction in place. Besides he had grown fond of the company at Fumblings, the delighted squeals from Camilla and Stephanie from the orangery as they put the Bazettes through their paces, old Vickery, driving the second-best Bentley waving merrily in the rear-view mirror as middle-aged, lycra-clad cyclists, climbed out of the ditches and hedges that edged the narrow, single-track roads of North Cotswoldshire. He would even miss Hamilton. Since being charged with accompanying the hound on his daily constitutional, OG’s health had been transformed. He had arrived at Fumblings a pale, thin, wheezing asthmatic. But after months of chasing after Hamilton in hot pursuit of small furry creatures at high speed over several miles, through bramble and bog, he felt ready to take on anything (and had already signed up for his first “tough-mudder” being at Welford Road the following February). Despite his initial fears, life at Fumblings had turned out to be rather good for him, though he still missed the gentle pace of college life. He missed sitting in the sun in the University Parks with his books, listening to the reassuring sound of leather on Willow. But those things were behind him now and Geoffrey Willow was last heard of running a DBSM club in Hamburg.
Last edited by Oxford Glaws on 29 Nov 2018 19:37 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Fumblings Season 2, Episode 2

Oxford Glaws 29 Nov 2018 14:08 pm said..

As OG climbed over the final style that led down into the old water meadow, he and Hamilton arrived at the small oak bench that had been placed there in recognition of the many good deeds that Baz had performed for the North Cotswold Distressed Gentlewomen’s Society. It was one of Baz’s favourite spots. Hamilton bounded over to the bench and started sniffing. As he caught his master’s scent the dog started barking loudly and then gave out a long mournful howl. “So you miss him too, do you old boy?” Hamilton looked up at OG with his big baleful brown eyes, seeming to understand exactly what OG was saying to him. Without looking away, the dog cocked his back leg against the bench and let loose a torrent of vivid green “Eau de Deerhound”.

It was a week later and Vickery was polishing the huge brass boss on the door to the main entrance to the house. It had been commissioned from the country’s leading designer of ironmongery, Julia Maxwell-Keys. Baz’s door had been widely admired by visitors who often commented that Mrs Maxwell Keys had succeeded in producing the biggest knob ever seen in the county. As Vickery buffed away he caught out of the corner of his eye a sleek black van with blacked-out windows tearing at high speed down the driveway towards the house. The van skewed to a halt, spreading gravel up the front steps. Next thing, the vehicle’s rear doors flew open violently and a large object shapeless was dumped ceremoniously onto the ground. The doors slammed shut again, the van did an elaborate u-turn and screamed off down the drive whence it came. The object on the ground appeared to be moving.

Vickery started cautiously down the steps to investigate, but was brushed aside by Camilla who came bounding the steps, calling at the top of her voice “Baz, can it be you? Oh my god Vickery, quick get some brandy from the study”.
Last edited by Oxford Glaws on 29 Nov 2018 14:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Fumblings Season 2, Episode 2

Oxford Glaws 29 Nov 2018 14:09 pm said..

Camilla rushed over to the stricken figure and clasped his head to her bosom – a bosom that was amply revealed by her plunging silk shirt, an exclusive line from Polledri of Milan. Baz appeared to grimace (but it could equally have been a smile). “My God Baz we've been worried sick. Are you hurt?”

At that point Hamilton came bounding along the drive with OG in hot pursuit. Baz turned to the dog and croaked “Miss me boy?”. Hamilton raced past the stricken Baz was being not deviating from his pursuit of a terrified rabbit that was desperately trying to making its escape into the safety of its burrow in undergrowth beyond the south lawn.

OG pulled up behind Camilla. “Bloody hell. Baz, is it you? Where the hell have you been?”

Baz looked up. “Umm I’ve been polishing up the old thesis.”

OG looked sceptical. “What thesis? You never mentioned anything.”

“Um yes, didn’t I tell you? I’ve been doing a PhD at the err…. University of West Bromwich Albion.”

OG shook his head. “No you never said. I had no idea. What in?”

“Umm… International Relations.”

OG scratched his chin sceptically. “And what is the title of this thesis?”
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Re: Fumblings Season 2, Episode 2

Oxford Glaws 29 Nov 2018 14:10 pm said..

“The Air Defence Systems of the United Arab Emirates (with a Particular reference to its Capacity to Detect Hostile Aircraft Equipped with Stealth Technology). Anyway, the thing is I’m back now. Much been happening while I’ve been gone?”

At that moment Baz’s Son of Samsung graphene phone that had been lying next to him on the gravel sprung into life. Baz looked at the number on the display. “Look I’d better take this.” Baz flicked his finger across the phone. “Theresa, hello. How are you?” Baz turned his head away from Camilla and OG. “No calm down. Stop. Stop. Take a deep breath. You’re not making sense.” Baz’s face darkened. “You agreed to what? Good lord!” Baz turned back to Camilla and OG and raised his eyebrows. “ No, no, I mean what’s 39 billion between former friends. What else? No, no, stop there. You’d better email me a copy. Christ Almighty Theresa, I go away for three months…No no. Look you’d better text me Michel’s number, Claude’s too. Oh and Theresa, stick to running through cornfields in future.”

** *
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Re: Fumblings Season 2, Episode 2

Oxford Glaws 29 Nov 2018 14:11 pm said..

Baz was sitting in his study, nursing a large tumbler of McCrae’s 25 year old
Speyside malt leafing through the 530 page document, occasionally ripping out whole pages and throwing them into the roaring fire that Vickery had set in the hearth. There was a knock at the door and Vickery entered, “Begging your pardon sir, Mr Jones is here to see you. He says he has an appointment.”

Baz sighed. “You’d better send him in. Baz stuffed the document under a cushion and turned to the door. His guest bustled in.

“G’day Baz. My God you look you’ve been stuffed up the backside with a sharpened boomerang – sideways.” Baz pursed his lips disapprovingly. “Aw come on mate. What’s the matter, can’t take a little joke. The world’s lost its bloody sense of humour. No one’s allowed to laugh anymore.”

Without waiting to be invited, Jones slumped into the most comfortable chair by the fire. “I’m not gonna beat about the bush Baz. We’re skint. Skinter than a bloody sailor with a hole in his pocket and a bumper box of johnnies in a Bali brothel.”

“And you are telling me this why?”

“Aw c’mon Baz, everyone knows you ain’t short of a brass farthing or two.

“And where has all your TV money gone?” asked Baz.

“Well you see Baz, a few of the blazers and me were at the Golden Showers Chinese restaurant last season and we were upstairs for a bit of afters... anyway some bloody idiot took a video and it’s ended up in the hands of some unscrupulous bastards, who’ve been threatening to send the bloody thing to the Daily Mail. Anyway, we’ve had to dig deep as a result and now we’re 31 million quid in the hole.”
Last edited by Oxford Glaws on 29 Nov 2018 14:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Fumblings Season 2, Episode 2

Oxford Glaws 29 Nov 2018 14:12 pm said..

Baz replied with a distinct chill in his voice “And I suppose you want me to bail you out?”

“Yeah, and if you could bung in a couple of extra to cover a few incidentals, that’d be very helpful.”

Baz crossed to the fire. “Before I answer your question, perhaps you could remind me – exactly how many Gloucester players are in the current England squad?”

Jones squirmed. “Er… none.”

“Well, I am not an unreasonable man. I will agree to sponsor England.” Jones couldn’t help flashing a satisfied grin. “Here are my terms. I will give you £5 million for each Gloucester player that is selected for the World Cup squad. How does that sound to you?”

Jones went red, not knowing whether to curse Baz or to hug him. He got up from his chair. “I can’t promise anything Baz.”

Baz gave an insincere smile. “Of course you can’t. I quite understand. If that is all, Vickery will show you out.”

Baz pressed the butler’s bell by the fireplace and Vickery escorted the shuffling Australian out to the drive where his official RFU Renault 4 was waiting for him. Baz saw something on the armchair by the fire. Five rolled-up ten pound notes were tucked at the back of the chair (Jones was notoriously careless with money). Baz went over to the book-case and felt behind the slimmest volume, “My Life in Rugby” by Nigel Davies. He flicked a switch and the shelves rolled away to one side revealing the door to a large safe. He dialled in the combination, pulled on the handle and reached inside, placing Eddie’s money in a small gap between the piles of used £50 notes, which had Baz bothered to count them, would have amounted to a little over £30 million.
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Re: Fumblings Season 2, Episode 2

ShedOrDead 29 Nov 2018 15:02 pm said..

Brilliant as always OG.

£5m/player. 6 Glaws players just to break even... would be quite something to see England's lineouts called in Afrikaans :lol:
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Re: Fumblings Season 2, Episode 2

Tuffty 29 Nov 2018 19:50 pm said..

Genius!

“Mrs Maxwell Keys had succeeded in producing the biggest knob ever seen in the county” :lol: :lol: :lol:

RFU bailout! Top notch!!! :D
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Re: Fumblings Season 2, Episode 2

Geoffy 29 Nov 2018 20:16 pm said..

Brilliant OG, as ever.
You fail to mention, however, that Julia Maxwell-Keys was heavily influenced by her time working as a scullery maid for Geraldine Lacey in Tipperary. She (Julia) herself has stated that "my knob is right up there, but Geraldine has almost certainly produced the biggest of all time".
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