Summer Jokes Thread

Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Camel 18 Jun 2019 11:59 am said..

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
"Remember that Rugby is team game; all 14 of you make sure that you pass the ball to Jonah"
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Camel 18 Jun 2019 12:04 pm said..

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.

"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.

One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"

"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.

"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.

"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.

"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.

"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.

"Tell me why," says the priest.

"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."

The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."

"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.
"Remember that Rugby is team game; all 14 of you make sure that you pass the ball to Jonah"
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Peanutcoxy 18 Jun 2019 12:08 pm said..

I was playing chess with a friend and he said ‘let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Lurker 18 Jun 2019 12:12 pm said..

Two old ladies overheard chatting; one says "keep haring these youngsters talking about 'selfies' - what's a selfie?" The other one says "that's what my Bert used to do when I had a headache"
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Lurker 18 Jun 2019 12:18 pm said..

Apparently its no longer pollicically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so:
An Englishman, a Sctosman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurka, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslin, a Hindu, a Jew, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai".
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Peanutcoxy 18 Jun 2019 12:35 pm said..

Lurker wrote:Apparently its no longer pollicically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so:
An Englishman, a Sctosman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurka, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslin, a Hindu, a Jew, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai".

Brilliant
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Peanutcoxy 18 Jun 2019 13:24 pm said..

I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Sticki 19 Jun 2019 07:42 am said..

My wife accused me of being a transvestite

So I packed her clothes and left
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Wise Words 19 Jun 2019 09:08 am said..

I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

I recently gave a talk to a group of backpackers. They were on the edge of their seats.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal.
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Peanutcoxy 19 Jun 2019 09:11 am said..

Father: Son, you were adopted.
Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!
Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.
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