Summer Jokes Thread

Re: Summer Jokes Thread

King Prawn Bhuna 26 Jun 2019 11:27 am said..

Tommy Cooper was THE MAN. There a documentary, I'm sure a repeat on Sunday night, but was excellent to watch. Which could only remind me of some of these classics...

'I was standing at a party the other night and across the room was an attractive woman. I looked at her and cocked my eye. She looked at me and cocked her eye back. And there we stood, cock-eyed.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right the steaks are too high."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this shizzle before

Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
Here's to the nights I'll never remember with the friends I'll never forget...
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Glawsinwuss 26 Jun 2019 13:36 pm said..

I was in the pub the other night when I noticed a beautiful woman sat at the bar all on her own, so after a few drinks I plucked up the courage to go up and speak to her.

A couple of hours passed and the drinks were flowing when she turned to me and said ' I have to tell you something before this goes any further, something most men have a lot of trouble dealing with'

I said to her 'Go ahead, I like to think of myself as being fairly open minded....'

she went on ' thats great to here, well here goes...... I used to be a hooker'

'Well everone has a past' I told her 'and the key thing is used to be'

'Its so refreshing to finally meat some one like you' she said with a beaming smile 'My name was John and I played for Bristol....'
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Lurker 07 Jul 2019 07:14 am said..

I walked into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian said "They're right behind you!"
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Lurker 07 Jul 2019 07:18 am said..

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Lurker 07 Jul 2019 07:23 am said..

I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said, "Ooh, yes."

I said, "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Lurker 07 Jul 2019 07:25 am said..

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Lurker 07 Jul 2019 07:33 am said..

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Lurker 07 Jul 2019 07:45 am said..

Teacher tests Little Johnny, “OK, Johnny, create a sentence which starts with ‘I’.”

Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is...”

Teacher snaps, “No, Little Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”

Little Johnny sighs, “Yes ma’am. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’"
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Glen Sannox 07 Jul 2019 08:56 am said..

I think a few people have been looking at 'Sh1t Jokes' on Twitter - a great source of one-liners

When I tried to write the name of the Twitter account, the thought police stopped me! What is this site coming to?
Cherchez la truffe
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Re: Summer Jokes Thread

Kingfisher 07 Jul 2019 10:03 am said..

Lurker wrote:A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."


Having a blonde partner and blonde best friend, this make me nearly spit my coffee over my laptop.
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