Fumblings Season 2 Episode 3

Fumblings Season 2 Episode 3

Oxford Glaws 15 Mar 2019 13:56 pm said..

Baz tripped past the boutiques and coffee shops of Montpellier, careless of the fine patina of dust settling on his made-to-measure Gleave and Clarke brogues, waving gaily to the immaculate girls sitting at their lonely desks in the galleries and nodding familiarly to the weary salesman in the Farrow and Ball showroom. Once a month, tiring of the gilt and grandness of the routine in the great house, Baz would slip into his pocket the keys to Camilla’s Audi TT and drive incognito into Cheltenham. Here, for a few precious hours, he would live the life of an ordinary citizen. Sometimes he would take on the guise of a humble marketing consultant, or a lowly financial advisor and for a while he could be someone else, no longer the owner of a global organic-cheese-to-technology conglomerate, no longer a power-broker to governments with a steady side-line in counter-espionage.

To sustain the fantasy he had snapped up a humble, unmodernised two up-two down terraced house situated in an anonymous side-street just behind the College. The vendor was an elderly widow who had wanted to use the proceeds of the sale to retire somewhere far away from the winter Cotswolds chill. She was eventually able to relocate to the Cayman Islands, to a beachside villa on a sizeable atoll with a dock and private landing strip. Baz thought, not without some justification, that he had secured himself a fine bargain.

Wandering along the Promenade, Baz stopped at the door of his local greengrocer. He checked his reflection in the glass, smoothed back his long curly locks and entered. He scanned the colourful array of produce piled on the shelves. Cucamelons, kalamansi, jabuticaba, the choice was endless. He nodded to the sales assistant, neatly attired in a brown “Daylesford Farm Original” dairy-man’s apron over a carefully ironed Paul Smith fatigue shirt. “Good morning Sebastian, I’ll take two pounds of kumquats and half a dozen paw paw - the Guyanese ones, not the Senegalese please”.
Last edited by Oxford Glaws on 15 Mar 2019 14:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Fumblings Season 2 Episode 3

Oxford Glaws 15 Mar 2019 13:56 pm said..

As he placed the fruit into hand-made Indian paper bags, the assistant sighed, “I’d start stocking up if I were you Baz. I’m not sure the good people of Cheltenham will be able to get any romanescu after March 29th.”

Baz stiffened. Did no one have any backbone these days. “Then let them eat kale!” he sputtered, dropping a fifty onto the counter, picking up his shopping and marching out of the shop.

Once out on the street he felt his Son of Samsung graphene phone start to vibrate in his inside pocket. The ring-tone kicked in. Three short beeps followed by three longer ones, followed by three short beeps again. Mayday. Baz flicked his thump across the screen and sighed.

“Hello Theresa. What is it today?”

There was a pause. And a curious rasping sound.

“I’m sorry, the signal’s not very good. I’ll try the other side of the street.” Baz dodged neatly between two Teslas and stepped onto the other pavement.

“Nope, still no good. We’ll just have to persevere.”

Baz managed to make some sense from the crackling noise.

“I asked him. He says his vote is not for sale. Anyway 100 million is way too much. The village hall only needs a new lick of paint and a couple of sashes repairing… Uhuh… that’s right…. I’d heard that you had offered Barnet the same amount for a new Saracens Cultural Centre… That’s as maybe, but what on earth are they going to put in it? ..... “

Baz pressed the phone to his chest in exasperation and then returned it to his ear. “Yes I did see the outcome of the vote. Well I used to visit my old mum every week and she always used to say, ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try, try and try again’. Mind you she was doing 20 years in Holloway and in the end she was crushed to death when the tunnel collapsed.”

Baz’s phone vibrated and he looked at the screen. “Sorry Theresa, got to go. This is important… No much more important. Send my love to Michel. Bye…no… got to go… bye.” He swiped the screen. “Ollie? What’s up man?.... He’s left you out again.” Baz glowered. "Leave it with me.”
Last edited by Oxford Glaws on 15 Mar 2019 15:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Fumblings Season 2 Episode 3

Oxford Glaws 15 Mar 2019 13:58 pm said..

Baz took the familiar path down from Painswick Beacon, past the faded pentangle carved into the rock, through the fissure and into the opening to the cave. He summoned up hisall courage and called out, “Old crone, Sorceress of Slad, Wise Woman, I have called upon the spirits to guide me to your door once more for I seek your help in righting a great injustice.”

The Banshee’s terrible visage appeared from out of the gloom. Baz shielded his eyes. “Oh Baz it’s you. You should have said. And I keep telling you to call me ‘Carol’.” She pulled an old alarm clock from the pocket in her floral pinny. “You’re in luck my 3.30 has just cancelled. Come in and sit yourself down.”

Baz’s eyes took some time to accustom themselves to the gloom. Baz felt behind him and he sat down on an old packing case. From the back of the cave he could hear the noise of dripping water and a strange guttural murmuring. ““It is mine, I tell you. My own. My precious. Yes, my precious.” Baz squinted and he could just make out a wizened figure in an old RFU blazer, nursing something metal, gleaming in his hand.”

The Banshee screeched at him (Baz had to put his hands over his ears). “Shut it Mutey, will ya! I’m trying to run a professional business here!”

The Banshee raised her eyebrows and gave Baz a knowing look. “The Referees’ Society sent him a new whistle last week and he’s been like this ever since.”

Baz gave her a sympathetic look. “I’m sure if you just give him some time…”

The Banshee spat on the dirt floor. “I ain’t got time. Wednesday nights, Glen Sannox and that nice Mr Burnley come over and we all share a rubber.”

Baz could not conceal a look of surprise. “I had no idea you played bridge.”

The Banshee gave him a sly look. “I ain’t talking about bridge.” She started cackling to herself at the pleasure of some private recollection, then she collected herself. “Now then I can’t stand around here all day gassing with the like of you. What do you want?”
Last edited by Oxford Glaws on 15 Mar 2019 15:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Fumblings Season 2 Episode 3

Oxford Glaws 15 Mar 2019 14:00 pm said..

“I have come to you because a grievous wrong has been committed.”

The Banshee looked at him with one eye (the one she preferred to use when standing in The Shed). “Go on.”

“Ollie Thorley has been left out of the England squad again.”

The Banshee scowled and spat on the floor, “That’s bad, very bad, but what do you want from me?”

“I want you to punish Eddie Jones, so that he learns the error of his ways.”

The Banshee suddenly cheered up. “What you thinking? Plague of boils, a swarm of locusts on his allotment?”

Baz looked grave. “No I want Wales to win the Grand Slam?”

The Banshee hissed. “Are you serious?”

Baz nodded. “As serious as I have ever been.”

The Banshee, grasped Baz by the collar and he caught a whiff of her foul breath. “You know that my kind, my sisters, have been burned at the stake for this sort of thing.”

Baz nodded. “I realise you are taking a risk and you will, of course, be rewarded. I was thinking we might agree on ten thousand pounds.”

The Banshee scoffed. “Ten grand for a job like that! With all the risks? You’re ‘aving a giraffe!”

“What do you want then?”

The Banshee stroked the tips of her moustache. “I wants more than money.”

Baz pursed his lips for a moment. “What then?”

The Banshee sneered “You wants this so much, then I wants two ten year memberships of the 1873.”

Baz recoiled involuntarily. He started protest but then, realising he had not choice, relented. “I suppose I could arrange that.”

The Banshee continued to press her cause. “With parking!”

Baz nodded. The Banshee wasn’t finished. “And a Laurie Fisher hat for my Mutey. One of the ones with the hair. He’s always wanted one of those.”
Last edited by Oxford Glaws on 15 Mar 2019 15:05 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Re: Fumblings Season 2 Episode 3

Glen Sannox 15 Mar 2019 14:02 pm said..

:D
Cherchez la truffe
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Re: Fumblings Season 2 Episode 3

Oxford Glaws 15 Mar 2019 14:02 pm said..

Baz nodded again and quietly prayed to Saint Quinton (the patron saint of hospitality - hint, hint) for forgiveness. The Banshee grinned, showing her two remaining canines. “Then we are agreed. Right, let’s crack on then. I needs a single hair from our victim.” A sudden realisation came over the old crone. “Oh, we’ve got a bit of a problem there ain’t we?”

Baz shook his head and reached into his inside pocket, pulled out his wallet and took from it a single thick, black curly hair.

The Banshee was impressed. “Ooh, where did you get that'”

Baz gave her a knowing look. “The head waiter at the Golden Showers Chinese Restaurant in Pimlico is a personal friend.”



Baz was in his study, sitting in front of wide screen Fuimano television screen, nursing a large glass of McRae’s 25 Year Old Speyside Malt, waiting for the match to begin. A high-pitched excited commentator was recalling the many great victories by the Welsh, starting with the early successes of Owain Glyndwr over the English in 1400.

Vickery leant forward to top up his master’s glass. He suddenly recoiled, nearly spilling some of the precious liquid on the precious Ackerman rug. “Sir, are you sure you are feeling quite well?”

Baz turned and looked at his retainer rather puzzled. Vickery stammered “It’s the shirt sir. It’s red and it has, I believe, the Prince of Wales feathers on the badge.”

“Oh this?” said Baz, plucking at the shirt. Don’t worry, I’ll soon be back in my England shirt. I’m only wearing this for a short spell.”
Last edited by Oxford Glaws on 15 Mar 2019 15:05 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Fumblings Season 2 Episode 3

Oxford Glaws 15 Mar 2019 14:02 pm said..

Glen Sannox wrote::D


I wasn't finished!
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Re: Fumblings Season 2 Episode 3

Lurker 15 Mar 2019 17:29 pm said..

Excellent OG :D
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Re: Fumblings Season 2 Episode 3

Glen Sannox 15 Mar 2019 18:33 pm said..

In that case :lol: again...you have finished now I guess?
Cherchez la truffe
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Re: Fumblings Season 2 Episode 3

Geoffy 15 Mar 2019 19:30 pm said..

Brilliant, OG! It's been too long.

How tempted was Mutey (from the back of the cave) to suggest to Baz "You don't know what you're doing"?
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